friendships

I’ve spent most of my life wondering why I don’t have as many friends as all the other girls around me seem to have. 

Sororities make me want to yank my teeth out and going out to dinner with more than 2 girls gives me increasingly aware anxiety.

It took me awhile to really realize how different I actually was. 

It’s taken me even longer to accept it. 

It’s hard to not want to follow the crowd. It’s hard not having that one special bond with that one person. It’s hard not having someone understand why you don’t want to do anything that day. 

It’s especially hard when people judge you for it. And it’s even harder when those people are your friends. 

I’ve always preferred my books to actual people.
I’ve always preferred my house to literally anywhere else.
I prefer being in my head rather than carrying on yet another meaningless conversation about what Sally did to Susie.

I really can’t do it anymore.

I’ve had a lot of great, amazing friends y'all. And I still do. But do you have any idea how hard it is to keep up with people when people don’t try to keep up with you? And then they get upset because you haven’t been keeping up with them but they’ve been busy…. Just like you. 

I miss being as outgoing as I used to be. I was never the life of the party but I was never this big of a loner. I’m starting to believe it comes with awareness. Nothing is usually what it seems. Someone always has a tighter bond than you. 

And then you start getting left out of things. And god, that’s the worst. 

You’ve cancelled so many plans that nobody wants to make plans with you anymore. They quit asking you to go eat even though they know you’re off that evening. They quit tagging you in things. They quit messaging you things that remind them of you. They change, and it’s all your fault. Not theirs. It’s never their fault. 

But then you have those friends who really get it. And who ask how you are that day, how you’re feeling. And you just know. You know they know and they don’t care and THOSE are the friends you need to keep around. THOSE are your people. THOSE are the people who are going to lay in a blacked out room with you at 3pm because the sunlight is just too much. THOSE are the friends who will get you through.

And then you realize it's not about how long you've known someone, it's about how often they're beside you. 

I have a bad habit of dissociating myself with reality, people, and my problems. 

I live inside my head. I live in pre-thought up scenarios that will never happen. Dialogue that will never be spoken. 

I feel alone 97% of the time but it’s that 3% that means the most. 

If you’re one of the friends who get it: Thank you.

Thank you, for being you. 

I promise I’m trying