Stories of the Lost and Found

Growing up I imagined my life a lot differently- looking back all I see is naiveness. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" was the common question. Back then it was simple: a teacher, a veterinarian, a doctor. If you went to college right out of High School, you were on the right track. If you were married by the age of 25, you were doing something right. Back then everything was simple. Being a child is being guarded from the ugliness of the world and what the world can become. Being a child is pure, euphoric, infinite.  As life moves ceaselessly forward that innocence is peeled away; year after year, layer after layer.   The foundation we are taught to build upon is not a foundation for everyone. Often that foundation will crumble, time and time again, for those who will suffer in silence- as they'll pick their pieces up silently. If I've learned anything at all it's that the only person I can trust is myself- because the only person who can save you, is y...

Outside the sun is play hide and seek with the muddy, ocean gray colored clouds- embraced with the kind of temperature that causes moments in time to slow. I've been sleeping a lot more lately. My bones kind of ache, ya know? As if I am a skeleton made of bricks and stone. Time change is coming but honestly that's not even why I'm typing right now.  The shower steams around my body combining with the scent of rose shampoo and blackberry sugar body wash- trying to calm my mind like every other minute of the day.  Impenetrable. It's an adjective, yet a feeling so immersing. Impossible to pass through, enter, or understand.  Feeling this way isn't enjoyable- it's absolutely maddening. You're rarely present no matter how hard you try. You're constantly fighting your ego with your consciousness. Drifting in and out of nothing more than a black hole.  It sounds so morbid- I know. Considerably, though, that's a lot of people's reality.  Sometimes their ...

It's been 45 minutes, my TV is still going, and my two cats, Maddux and Glavine, are completely un-phased as I sit here, jittery and baffled, in my over-sized, battered Andruw Jones shirt that's still sticky with a little sweat from anxiety, shock, and undeniable euphoria. Tonight, for the first time in 22 years, the Atlanta Braves clinched the NLCS, in a 4-2 series- officially heading to the 2021 World Series.  I have waited for this moment my entire life- a lot of us have. Being an Atlanta fan of any sport, well, best of luck. This series, to me, was something I haven't witnessed in baseball in a long time. There was passion. There was hunger. There was resilience. There was strategy.  They played the type of game that made baseball what it is.  I'm not sure which inning it was- I'd like to say before Snitker put in Matzek because... WOW- when I felt my phone vibrate beside me. I'd already been having conversations with friends so I almost simply ignored it as...

Your laugh was so contagious, it sucked me in giving me tunnel vision Your eyes would shine so bright, crinkles would form around your tired edges There was a short high pitch bark from the belly, sincerity seeming to seep through You wore this one the most- my favorite The laughing mask The way you held me in bed, managing to pull at every heart string I had, opening it piece by piece A small, quiet chuckle is what I'd hear and a squeeze I'd feel- the brisk, subtle smell of my hair These moments in time were fleeting, the feeling that was left was not You wore this one the easiest The loving mask You drenched my body in warm water as I shivered with pain, guilt, and fear Telling me how you couldn't lose me, you just got me Telling me that I was strong, smart, and different You wore this one well The reassuring mask  You encouraged me to go against my fears, "you won't know until you try" Assuring me that he would love me- and he did "Can I help you make ...

Slow and steady wins the race At least that’s what we’re told, right? What they don’t tell you about is the Pain Deep. Dark. Lonely. Cold.  Out of mind, out of sight.  Always on guard  Freeze. Fight. Flight.  What they don’t tell you about is the Vulnerability  All in, head first  Heart open, ready Puppet strings as fingers, satin for lips Words are just words in the end   You’re so beautiful, he says  You’re so smart, he says  You’re everything I’ve ever wanted, he says  My actions will speak differently... He says  The eggshells begin to pile  Like the bile in the pit of your stomach The crunch is loud. sharp.  It’s quiet.  Why can’t you just be normal, he says  Why do you have to feel so much, he says  Everyone thinks you’re crazy... He says  What they don’t tell you about is the After Sleepless nights, hamsters in your brain Hardened eyes, sharp Empty heart, cold Unperturbed  Impervious  I...

Tight chest, hands cold as ice Thoughts scurrying through her mind Home to a family of schizophrenic mice "It can't be getting bad again" she thought Jolting upright, sheets stuck to her pale skeleton Hair matted to her freckled neck Blood boiling from within "You're just stressed" she thought Legs over the bed, still tripping through last nights rabbit hole Combing through a landmine labyrinth  Of discarded clothing and old woes "You're just tired" she thought Lights flicker to show a ghost in the mirror,  Transparent, translucent, transpicuous  Deep, blank eyes stare into the reflection "Wait, who are you?" she choked Empty SnakPaks scatter the floors, dishes piled like Mile High City Expired milk in the refrigerator door, trash bags cluttered Reluctantly settling on yesterdays lukewarm Pepsi "It's getting bad again" she whispered Sinking back into the blacked out abyss Seconds, minutes, hours, days, and weeks  Passing...

Hi, there... It's been awhile!  I'm back... With 4 years of growth, pain, heartache, resilience, and a majorly different perspective on life. Adulthood is wild- I'm 28 now! Until next time here's a little piece I wrote this evening as a teaser: “Failed Timing” - Feb. ‘21 our souls collided, chemistry undeniable two lives becoming intertwined the perfect equation, the perfect formula a fateful moment, un-timed bodies becoming one, tracing, memorizing, admiring feeling your skin, giving in is something not easily undone yet you see these walls are high guarded and protected Which is my biggest downfall because it leaves me isolated leaving me here- without leaving me here- with you on the outs longing for your heart craving your affection fighting for your love desiring for your touch all the above, let me be your connection moments are fleeting journeys are to be taken resilience is key, as is patience it may not be the time now or maybe not ever but fate is a funny thin...