Stories of the Lost and Found

Have you ever been "that girl?" You have; don't question or deny it, it's better to just admit it. You've been the overly obsessive, mean girlfriend. You've been the girl who always runs back, never knowing when to let go. You've been the cheater, the other woman AND the one who's been cheated on. You've been the bitch who doesn't wanna talk to anyone for 3 days and you've been the girl who can't get enough of anything. You've been the complainer, the cryer, the yeller, the blamer, the liar, the lover and the fighter. You've been them all and so I have. But have you taught yourself anything? That's the real question. I woke up one day and I was different. Like the stars had aligned and things that never made sense before made sense now. You know when you're playing around in the pool and you play the "how long can I hold my breath underwater until I nearly drown" game and when you finally can't take it and ...

She gazed at him as he slept, studying his face, wondering how she had ever woven the web she had weaved. Pondering the idea of reaching over and rubbing her thumb across his lips, so firm and confident, the way he held her face when he kissed her. The stubble across his face was mixed with greys and red which always surprised her but she preferred it to be there, gently scratching her soft skin. His beauty was like the calm after the storm, making you feel content and anxious all in one moment. It was overwhelmingly intense. She looked away, subconsciously moving her hand on top of his. It was hard wanting a man she knew couldn't stay but she had known what she was getting herself into. A job in the city; a paid apartment; she couldn't let him turn it down. Neither had expected to light a fire that had continued to burn from the moment of igniting the match. She didn't want to burn another bridge, not another fucking bridge. She closed her eyes, tilted her head up and foug...

The vibes I felt when your eyes locked mine Your fingers were in my hair Your words still around my soul Our whole bodies completely entwined  But where are you tonight?  The moon shines through the window  The leaves scattered along the ground  I can here the wind blowing, dogs barking But you cannot be found  The seasons changed, as they always do The greens turning white The temperature drops  They all go on moving, living, feeling But all I wish is for time to stop Wishing and hoping, neither do much Something's can't be undone rewritten or even obtained You'll always be in my head,  everywhere I go, in everything I say  Even when you're not on my mind, You're just a memory away  You wish for it but you can't have it You want to say something but you don't Do you have too many masks? Would you be scared of what you spoke?  Time is never ending,  But it's also a clock that strikes  Time can be your best friend And time can k...

the days keep on passing  the leaves all begin to change  you feel like you should feel different  yet you feel just the same  everybody's living  everybody's fine  everybody smiles  and everybody lies they all say they wanna help you they all say they wanna be  there they all say just ask anytime, anywhere you do what you can  you never give up  your head stays full of what ifs  your hands remain cuffed  life moves forward life stands still life moves  backwards you gotta realize its  a journey uphill one day your time will come  you'll rise above them all  keep your head held high  they all wanna see you fall

When I think about the past I think about all the things I haven't done and all the things I miss all at once... I think about the leaves I haven't seen fall over a lake I've never been fishing in but then I think about that time I watched the leaves fall while eating a picnic, overlooking the lake, with you. I think about all the concerts I haven't been able to go to in all the cities I can't visit but then I think the time we were three rows from the stage in the most beautiful city I've ever seen. I think about all the money I haven't made and all the things I could have bought but then I remember you telling me that money doesn't matter and material things don't have much value. I think about all the people I've never been able to meet and all the things I haven't said but then I think of you and I realize I met you and although I probably never said it all I hope I said enough.

She wondered if he ever remembered the night they held each other desperately, making endless promises that were nearly impossible to keep and when she started to slip away, she always pushed so hard and she often wondered if he was trying to grab her but she was already too far gone to notice... She remembered him like she remembered her favorite parts of her books: engraved in her mind but impossible to hold. 

Everyday I feel as if I sink lower into this complete state of oblivion. Everything sounds the same, looks the same, feels the same, tastes the same and everything smells the same. My senses have all crossed each other out and I cannot feel a thing. It's silly, really. Completely ridiculous. How you can feel yourself slipping from reality but yet you can't seem to do a damn thing about it. It never lasts but it's still a forever feeling... Few people can understand that. And nobody understands how you feel. Your friends think you're being irrational, annoying and completely bonkers. My friends do anyway. I know they don't mean to, it's life. They're normal and I'm not. And then sometimes I am. And then I'm not. Blue and white, a constant battle between giving up and not giving up. A constant battle between "the whole worlds against me" and "everything happens for a reason."  A constant battle between the way you see yourself and t...

The moon is bursting with secrets. There are so many different sets of eyes looking upon it; eyes that are full of pain and suffering; eyes that hold love and care. A full moon knows everything there is to know because when you’re left alone the Man in the Moon is the only person left to spill your heart out to. But the thing is you don’t even have to speak words because he drinks from your eyes. He can tell the difference in acceptance and longing. The world may see that you’ve accepted what you can’t change but the moon knows how much you long to change it. Fooling the world is an easy thing to do but fooling yourself is impossible to accomplish. The eyes hold truth that normal people wouldn’t be able to see but the moon is all-knowing. He sees the way you stare up at him-wondering what’s to come. He knows it’s a temporary escape for a world you may not be able to understand at the moment. He knows lust when he sees it. Lust for all the things you can’t have but so desperately want. ...

She turned her head slightly moving to the right when something stopped her. "Ugh," she muttered. "Buddy, move over now!" The Calico cat jumped up, finding his favorite spot behind the blinds of the window. She wondered if it was sunny outside- yesterday had been so dreadfully gloomy. Just then she felt someone plop down on the other side of the bed. Nothing was said. Inwardly she sighed, a day like this again? She was instantly frustrated.  "So are we gonna do what you had planned?" She said as she finally broke the silence. No was the simple response. "Well is it sunny?" She asked again with a little more enthusiasm. "Yeah, a little." Was his begrudged reply. "So you don't wanna do anything? You're just gonna lay there?" She asked with open frustration. "Yep." She rolled her eyes as he rolled over. God! He had pushed her previous plans out the window the night before because he had gott...

Man oh man at how life throws you curves right? There's no need to fill the world wide web in on how my personal life has been, I promise it's not really blog-worthy, sheesh you nosy folks ;) The truth is I've been in a constant battle for months between letting things go and holding on and having faith, deciding what's the best step to take forward and finally coming to the conclusion that in order to decide who you want to be in life and who you're meant to be, it takes self realization. It takes valuing your life, happiness and your own choices over other things and honestly, that's okay in my book. I have finally come to terms with the fact that you can't please everyone and you can't stay unhappy just to serve someone else's happiness. It doesn't matter if they gave you the world... If you're unhappy, what exactly matters at the point in time? I'm at the point where I finally feel as if I'm getting all my ducks in a row, my f...

I got the call last night but first I got a voicemail. When I listened to the voicemail I knew what I would hear when I called back and I didn’t want to do it. I said, “I didn’t like the sound of her voice,” and continued to slowly dialed the number. She told me he was gone but I already knew that. It’s unbelievable what you can tell from just somebody’s voice when you’re waiting to hear bad news. I cried a few tears but I sucked them back in. I was gonna be strong, ya know? I wasn’t gonna break down. I wasn’t gonna cry even if I wanted to. The ball was stuck in my throat all night but a tear I wouldn’t let fall. She told me he wasn’t hurting anymore but I could tell she was. My rock for as long as I can remember and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d heard her cry the way I did on the phone last night. She’s exactly like I remember her Mama to be: Independent, straight-forward and unbelievably strong.  I woke up to sunshine and birds chirping. I had turned my phone off so I t...

In the past 36 hours, give or take a few, I've struggled.  I've struggled with understanding why God would put me, or rather us, through this heartbreaking thing called 'cancer' not one time, not two times, but many different times.  I've struggled with what this is going to mean for my family in the long run, now that the secondary glue that holds us altogether is getting taken away. Slowly, but surely.  I've struggled with why now? Why so freaking soon after my Nany passed, so soon after we were getting happier, so soon after everyone was finally finding their own way again... Why?  And finally, I've struggled with understanding why every time I start to have faith that God is on our side, every time I start to rebuild faith in things, I find myself questioning everything once again.  WHY?  But the truth is, I'll never know why.  Yesterday was opening day for the Atlanta Braves. It was their first time being back at Turner Field since last season and...

I decided to take a look in my Notes on Facebook because I remember when I couldn't sleep in high school I sometimes had the balls to put them for others to see. My favorite is my compilation of what I felt were my Joys in Life. Some are pretty humorous but bring back so many memories. It's also comforting to know much of the things are still joyous The Joys of Life, in my perspective. Sunshine. Getting lost in a good book. The beach! Bracelets. Looking at old pictures and remembering that exact moment. Good morning/good night text messages. Swinging. Taking pictures. My Best Friend <3 Riding around town with nothing to do or worry about. NOT going to school. Shopping when you have money to spend. Late night phone calls. Conversations on the phone that actually have meaning. Oreos and Peanut Butter :) Sleeping extremely late. Good hair days. Jamming out to songs. Remembering old song lyrics. The baseball games at Rockdale. Thund...

2012 Somedays I’m happy while other days I’m sad Somedays I dream about the life I never even had People walk by me and I try and say hello But the only thing that happens is my head turns to jello I don’t know why I feel this way I tread thru black and blue I always wonder if it’s just me, Or do others feel this, too? It makes me a little scared but I don’t dare and confess Because if I told they would just call me a hot crazy mess. So ill continue not to cry and I’ll just hold it in for one day I’ll know the answers and my face will light up again.   2012 When I think about home all I think about is You I think about your eyes and the things that we do You don’t know what you do to me You don’t know how I feel You don’t know that it’s hard for me To believe that this is real I want to have faith but sometimes I just can’t You see people always leave and it leaves me in a rut How can you have faith when you’ve always been the one to g...