Thawed

Growing up I imagined my life a lot differently- looking back all I see is naiveness.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" was the common question.

Back then it was simple: a teacher, a veterinarian, a doctor. If you went to college right out of High School, you were on the right track. If you were married by the age of 25, you were doing something right.

Back then everything was simple. Being a child is being guarded from the ugliness of the world and what the world can become. Being a child is pure, euphoric, infinite. 

As life moves ceaselessly forward that innocence is peeled away; year after year, layer after layer.  

The foundation we are taught to build upon is not a foundation for everyone. Often that foundation will crumble, time and time again, for those who will suffer in silence- as they'll pick their pieces up silently.

If I've learned anything at all it's that the only person I can trust is myself- because the only person who can save you, is you. 

You are replaceable in every person's life you cross and I think that's what causes the most pain on the inside at the end of the day. You never know when someone's being genuine, when they really care.

Some time ago I thought I had some of this figured out- I can't even put a finger on what I thought I had.

Being so easily replaceable, so unforgettable, in someone else's story, regardless of who or what, it does something to you.

The masks will fall off, eventually, and real colors will show. Love you thought was real will be nothing but a memory you wish you could forget- as it was never real love, just temporary for their conveniency. Words fall from loose lips and satin tongues- disregarding the way they seep and settle into our veins, body, soul. 

And you burn. And burn. And burn... until you're cold as ice. 

You can be the best you can be, to your ability, and it still won't be enough sometimes. You can pour until you are empty, and it still won't be enough. You can do everything you can do to be your best self but at the end of the day:

You are always replaceable in someone's story. 

You are always replaceable to the ones' who don't see your underlying value.

You are always replaceable even when you think you are someone's Oak ring because sometimes you are simply a leaf on their tree. 

You are always replaceable, regardless of how much you love. 

You are always replaceable: as a friend, as a lover, as an employee. 

So what do I want to be when I grow up? I really don't know.  

I want to feel loved, alive, hopeful, unburdened. I want to feel as if I have something to offer. I want to change someone's life for the better. I want to make a difference. 

I want to feel as if I have a place in this world- instead of continuously fighting to find a place to fit in, to be understood. 

I want to feel worthy of the good things that happen to me, and worthy of love. 

I want to thaw- because being cold is the worst feeling in the world.