Why Didn't You Just Leave?
Toxic relationships can haunt you for years. They're not always physically, it's not always one-sided, and it's not always able to be understood. It does not discriminate between gender, color, nor race. You will never think it could be you. Once it is you, though, you still won't know it.
When my Nany passed in late 2012: I fell off. Not many people noticed because I was great at hiding it. Too good.
Let me be clear, however, that that is no excuse for the person I became.
Early 2013 I met someone who was also in pain and me being me I thought: "I can fix him, I get it."
It was forbidden to say the least and as time went on I became more engrossed in myself, in numbing the pain, and unfortunately in him.
I became someone I didn't know. Drugs were prominent in my lifestyle. I had no morals. I had no motivation. I dropped out of college. I moved to Brunswick. I isolated myself from my friends, and my family. I isolated myself from my goals, my dreams.
The person I was in 2013 is not who I ever wish to be again. I don't even know her. I will never be her.
However, what I didn't realize at the time, was how badly I was lost and to what degree that I was being taken advantage of.
I was weak, he noticed.
Manipulation comes in many forms.
My family was the problem- "They don't accept me or you, can't you see that?"
My friends were all deemed "bad influences" i.e. 'Sluts' 'Whores' 'Liars' - "Why would you want to be with them, so you can whore it up, too?"
When I wanted to spend time with anyone I was made to think I was doing something wrong- "Whatever- do whatever the fuck you want."
Everything was criticized: My clothes, my interests, my book choices, my fucking dreams. I should have seen the red flags. I was so young, so naive.
Shortly after- the violence began to emerge. It was subtle, and I always told myself it was nothing. He was black out drunk every time and never remembered anything. He didn't mean it. He was troubled, ya know? Maybe I provoked him. Maybe it really was my fault.
Then, one time, oh God, this one time haunted me for a very long time. It isn't pleasant, but it needs to be shared.
One night, I wanted to go visit Jesup, stay with my best friend. He wouldn't let me go see her. I lied to her and stayed like an idiot. I laid in bed for hours that day. He didn't speak. I remember crying in the shower that night wondering why this was happening. And then- apparently- he got his fix.
At 9:45 that evening, he started getting dressed, and told me to do the same. I began to argue but let him talk me into going to the bar and somehow letting him get black out drunk. He made me drive him onto the island and back, twice, because he forgot his debit card. Never paid that tab, never found that card. It was late, I just wanted to get home to where we were headed, and then I looked over into the passenger seat to ask if he needed any water, and knew something changed. He wasn't there but someone else was .
It's roughly 12-1:30 AM because Wee Pub was closing down. He yanked the wheel, swerving us in front of a cop, so I pulled into the Starbucks parking lot to maybe calm him down. I parked the car, took the keys, and got out to talk or walk away or call someone. I just remember having the keys and trying to call my friend.
10 minutes later I was pinned against the dumpster, hands around my throat, held into the air, and was told "Give me my fucking keys"
The sad part? I did. Even worse? I got back into the car.
That night, I had my laptop thrown across a room. That night, I was driven back and forth from my place to his place, for 5 hours.
That night, I was kicked in the stomach so hard off the bed I flew into a wall after hearin: "You fucking N***** Lover" because my "first love" was a mixed man. He had known this for over a year at this point. To this day I have never gotten an explanation because the next morning? He remembered nothing.
I never told a soul (until years later).
I. Still. Didn't. Leave.
I moved to Atlanta with this guy.
I thought it would be different.
I was wrong.
It continued.
Doors were slammed on my feet, I was kicked in the stomach, I was continually shamed.
He lost his job, I worked 50+ hours a week but it wasn't enough.
I had lost everything: My car, my license, my apartment, my freedom, and my happiness.
I went without contact with my family/friends for 2+ months that Summer.
I went without hot water for nearly half that.
I was evicted for the first time.
I boxed up an entire apartment alone, worked 5 doubles in a row, and I can remember the feeling of watching others move my things onto the lawn for apartment complex to witness.
I was officially broken. I wanted, and so desperately needed, to get out.
It took me 6 months to leave with the help of people I'll never be able to thank enough.
August 11th, 2014
I will never forget that day. I remember every detail.
The day I found out what true courage meant, that family isn't always blood, and that family will be there no matter what.
The day I had the chance to start over.
Today, when I look into the mirror, I don't see that girl.
I see someone strong, but continuously gaining strength.
I see someone I'm proud to be, but also someone I am still becoming.
I see someone who has accepted her past, her flaws, her mistakes, and who she used to be.
I see someone who strives to be better, do better.
Most importantly?
When I confront myself, I see someone that I have learned, and am still learning, to love.
Don't get me wrong: It's been a bumpy road. I've been through trials, tribulations, and obstacles of life. So when you get thrown those curveballs in life there's something you need to know: YOU are the hitter. YOU are the captain of your ship. YOU matter.
I am posting this because I need people to know
No matter the situation
No matter the circumstances
You are never alone 💗
My wish for you is to embrace your past. All of it.
My wish for you is to be able to share your stories and not be afraid/ashamed of them.
My wish for your is happiness.
Be brave. Be you. Be strong. Be kind. Be supportive. Be real.
Be.
The.
Change.
Charles Bukowski once said:
"Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way."
Keep going- I'm rooting for you all.
~ much love always 💛
October 27th, 2017
When my Nany passed in late 2012: I fell off. Not many people noticed because I was great at hiding it. Too good.
Let me be clear, however, that that is no excuse for the person I became.
Early 2013 I met someone who was also in pain and me being me I thought: "I can fix him, I get it."
It was forbidden to say the least and as time went on I became more engrossed in myself, in numbing the pain, and unfortunately in him.
I became someone I didn't know. Drugs were prominent in my lifestyle. I had no morals. I had no motivation. I dropped out of college. I moved to Brunswick. I isolated myself from my friends, and my family. I isolated myself from my goals, my dreams.
The person I was in 2013 is not who I ever wish to be again. I don't even know her. I will never be her.
However, what I didn't realize at the time, was how badly I was lost and to what degree that I was being taken advantage of.
I was weak, he noticed.
Manipulation comes in many forms.
My family was the problem- "They don't accept me or you, can't you see that?"
My friends were all deemed "bad influences" i.e. 'Sluts' 'Whores' 'Liars' - "Why would you want to be with them, so you can whore it up, too?"
When I wanted to spend time with anyone I was made to think I was doing something wrong- "Whatever- do whatever the fuck you want."
Everything was criticized: My clothes, my interests, my book choices, my fucking dreams. I should have seen the red flags. I was so young, so naive.
Shortly after- the violence began to emerge. It was subtle, and I always told myself it was nothing. He was black out drunk every time and never remembered anything. He didn't mean it. He was troubled, ya know? Maybe I provoked him. Maybe it really was my fault.
Then, one time, oh God, this one time haunted me for a very long time. It isn't pleasant, but it needs to be shared.
One night, I wanted to go visit Jesup, stay with my best friend. He wouldn't let me go see her. I lied to her and stayed like an idiot. I laid in bed for hours that day. He didn't speak. I remember crying in the shower that night wondering why this was happening. And then- apparently- he got his fix.
At 9:45 that evening, he started getting dressed, and told me to do the same. I began to argue but let him talk me into going to the bar and somehow letting him get black out drunk. He made me drive him onto the island and back, twice, because he forgot his debit card. Never paid that tab, never found that card. It was late, I just wanted to get home to where we were headed, and then I looked over into the passenger seat to ask if he needed any water, and knew something changed. He wasn't there but someone else was .
It's roughly 12-1:30 AM because Wee Pub was closing down. He yanked the wheel, swerving us in front of a cop, so I pulled into the Starbucks parking lot to maybe calm him down. I parked the car, took the keys, and got out to talk or walk away or call someone. I just remember having the keys and trying to call my friend.
10 minutes later I was pinned against the dumpster, hands around my throat, held into the air, and was told "Give me my fucking keys"
The sad part? I did. Even worse? I got back into the car.
That night, I had my laptop thrown across a room. That night, I was driven back and forth from my place to his place, for 5 hours.
That night, I was kicked in the stomach so hard off the bed I flew into a wall after hearin: "You fucking N***** Lover" because my "first love" was a mixed man. He had known this for over a year at this point. To this day I have never gotten an explanation because the next morning? He remembered nothing.
I never told a soul (until years later).
I. Still. Didn't. Leave.
I moved to Atlanta with this guy.
I thought it would be different.
I was wrong.
It continued.
Doors were slammed on my feet, I was kicked in the stomach, I was continually shamed.
He lost his job, I worked 50+ hours a week but it wasn't enough.
I had lost everything: My car, my license, my apartment, my freedom, and my happiness.
I went without contact with my family/friends for 2+ months that Summer.
I went without hot water for nearly half that.
I was evicted for the first time.
I boxed up an entire apartment alone, worked 5 doubles in a row, and I can remember the feeling of watching others move my things onto the lawn for apartment complex to witness.
I was officially broken. I wanted, and so desperately needed, to get out.
It took me 6 months to leave with the help of people I'll never be able to thank enough.
August 11th, 2014
I will never forget that day. I remember every detail.
The day I found out what true courage meant, that family isn't always blood, and that family will be there no matter what.
The day I had the chance to start over.
Today, when I look into the mirror, I don't see that girl.
I see someone strong, but continuously gaining strength.
I see someone I'm proud to be, but also someone I am still becoming.
I see someone who has accepted her past, her flaws, her mistakes, and who she used to be.
I see someone who strives to be better, do better.
Most importantly?
When I confront myself, I see someone that I have learned, and am still learning, to love.
Don't get me wrong: It's been a bumpy road. I've been through trials, tribulations, and obstacles of life. So when you get thrown those curveballs in life there's something you need to know: YOU are the hitter. YOU are the captain of your ship. YOU matter.
I am posting this because I need people to know
No matter the situation
No matter the circumstances
You are never alone 💗
My wish for you is to embrace your past. All of it.
My wish for you is to be able to share your stories and not be afraid/ashamed of them.
My wish for your is happiness.
Be brave. Be you. Be strong. Be kind. Be supportive. Be real.
Be.
The.
Change.
Charles Bukowski once said:
"Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way."
Keep going- I'm rooting for you all.
~ much love always 💛
October 27th, 2017
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