Rock Bottom, and Moving Forward

 "The best thing about rock bottom is the rock part. You discover the solid bit of you. The bit that can't be broken down any further. The thing that you might sentimentally call a soul. At our lowest we find that the solid ground of our foundation. And we can build ourselves anew."

The ability to understand, comprehend, and accept ones own actions that lead to their downfall takes a different set of skills. It takes a mindset that is typically built within oneself through time, events, and mistakes. It takes strength, accountability, self reflection, and realization that even you can fail - even when you had the best of intentions.

Through my mere thirty years in this world I've learned a lot. Yet, I still have not learned enough. What I have learned? Perfection does not, and will not ever, truly exist. 

There is no answer to life, there is no answer to success, and there is no answer to how to please others. There is only you, and the person you see in the mirror. There is only you, and the person you are working to become. There is only you, and the accountability that you hold for yourself. 

With every mistake you make, you must own it.

With every failure you endure, you must own it. 

With every action you make, you must own it.

With every consequence, you must own it. 

With every trial and tribulation through this crazy thing we call life, you must own it. 

With every day that you live through, you must face it all. The good, and the bad. The pretty, and the ugly. The happy, and the sad. The successes, and the failures. The euphoria, and the pain. The misunderstandings, and the breakthroughs.

Inevitably, these are the factors that mold you into the person you are - and that molding is never ending. It's a continuous process. It is an everyday test, and every day battle. 

Life is a continuation of molding yourself into a better version of the person that you were yesterday, last week, last year, and even an hour before this current moment. 

No amount of "I'm trying" will be enough for anyone other than yourself because everyone's definition of "I'm trying" is different. 

And that's okay.

If "I'm trying" is the only thing you can manage in your present moment, well, I think that you should love yourself enough to know that that is enough, and you are worthy of another chance at another day, even if that day also entails "I'm trying."

And that's okay.

Not one single person sees life through the same set of eyes. Not one single person has walked the same steps, in your same shoes. Not one single person has endured the same set of trials and tribulations that you have. Not one single person knows your soul better than you.

And that's okay.

However, there is one thing that we do all have in common, and that is the ability of self reflection.

The ability to accept failure, face it, and own it. 

The ability to keep going, and to persevere.

The ability to grow, and the ability to heal.

In 2014, Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk released "The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma" which is a highly accredited novel using research and experiences on how individuals are affected by traumatic stress, and its effects on the mind and body.

You see, individuals who experience trauma, they never experience the world the same again. The world is experienced with an entirely different nervous system. “The survivor’s energy now becomes focused on suppressing inner chaos, at the expense of spontaneous involvement in their lives”. While there are several incredibly moving quotes in this book there is one that stood out to the most, one that truly sums up healing from trauma:

"We have learned that trauma isn't just an event that took place in the past but also the imprint left behind by that experience on the mind, body, and brain."

For far too long I have let the past live inside of me, intertwining itself with my veins, letting it maneuver it's way into my organs, letting it marinate. I have let the past take control of my soul, my mind, my thoughts, my actions. I have let it speak negatively of myself, I have let it drag me down, and hold me back. I have let it make my body it's home.

It’s taken me thirty years to face this fact. To face the fact that in order to change, to heal, to progress, I need to become aware of my own sensations and the way that my own body interacts with the world around me.

“Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past.”

Hitting rock bottom is inevitable, trials and tribulations are inevitable. Hell, traumatic events are inevitable. Yet, no matter what, at the end of the day, it all comes down to me. I am in control of my mind, body, and soul. I am in control of my thoughts, actions, and future. Not my past, not my trauma, and not my downfalls and mistakes. 

Nobody, and nothing, is more in control of YOU, than you. 

Nobody, and nothing, is more in control of YOUR FUTURE, than you. 

Nobody, and nothing, is more WORTHY of another day, another chance, another shot, than you.

With love, grace, and kindness, 

M 🦋